Sinful Feelings
by staceycity
Summary: EC. This is my take on the last episode of Season 5 Born to Kill. What if it had been Calleigh who went with Eric to arrest Lucas Wade and not Horatio? What would her thoughts have been after the conversation they had earlier in the episode and after seeing Eric with little Holly? This is a one shot story. Reviews are appreciated :D This is from Calleigh's point of view :)


It has been quite a brutal case, poor young women who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, right in the eye sight of Lucas Wade. It was all really twisted with the extra 'Y' chromosome which supposedly made him born to kill and yet. It might not have been the extra 'Y' chromosome which drove him to do such a sick thing, but his sister who had killed accidentally their younger sister when they were young and blamed him for it, knowing their mother would easily believe such a thing.

There had been a pattern, young and blonde, and yet his sister had made the mistake of trying to cover up his murders while he was in custody only to lead us to herself being a left handed. She had left a very distant mark from where she had started carving the 'Y' on the dead body thus indicating that it had been her. She had tried to protect Lucas and yet he has now kidnapped her daughter from her.

It would have been hard for us to trace the young girl so quickly if it hadn't been for Ryan giving Wade a ticket some time ago and talking to Natalia about it. She gave us the ticket and me and Eric are rushing to the address where we know a boat is waiting for Lucas. He is going to take the girl out of Miami and we know we can't let that happen.

I can feel the tension in the car after the talk we had earlier while we were searching for the handcuffs. Lately, things were starting to change between me and Eric. I can feel it deep inside of me, every time our eyes meet. Our eyes will lock on each other and I can literally feel my eyes sparkle, butterflies flying in the pit of my stomach. It is all new and strange to me in a way. Sure years ago, back when my hair was longer and we were younger, we had this...thing going on. It was brief but it was special. We had kissed a couple of times and I can still remember those kisses as if they happened yesterday, but then...then things cooled down and we sort of became really good friends. We would hang out with Speedle and have a laugh as if nothing ever happened, and then when Speedle died, I thought that we would become closer, that it would bring us together but yet, it didn't. Eric drowned his sorrows into sex with random women, bars and discos and I drowned myself into work. Work and training.

And now years later, after I almost lost Eric, something inside of me seemed to be revived. Something snapped.

Revived in ways I never knew and yet as beautiful as it is feeling...it is all very confusing. I had feelings for him before, but they were mild and young but now...now they feel like they have matured. Maybe it is because we have been through a lot together since that time and we have grown up. We have been with other people, we have been each other's shoulder to cry on, and Eric being on death's door...I closed my eyes momentarily not really wanting to go there. It is the last thing I want to think about especially while I am in the same hummer with him. He is the only one who can read me so easily. He knows when I am deep in thought, when I am trying to be brave and strong. He just knows me so well.

I glance at him and I can tell that he is trying hard not to look at me. He is focusing too hard on the road and I know that it is because now is not the time to have one of those moments where our eyes connect. We need to get to Holly before Lucas escapes with her.

I sigh and drag my head the other way to stare at the ocean on my side wondering what all of this could mean. It is too messed up especially with Jake involved and yet I didn't even go to check on him at the hospital like I ran to Eric's side when he got shot. Again I close my eyes to push that thought away but instead I get this image in my head of Eric lying in a hospital bed, with his head bandaged and I quickly open my eyes. I can't see him that way anymore. I don't want to see him in that bed fighting for his life anymore. He is fine and well and next to me.

Suddenly I feel his hand on mine as he squeeze it just a little bit and I glance his way and smile and he smiles back at me.

He knows.

He knows I am thinking about something that is tormenting me. It is probably written all over my face for him to read, in a way that only he can read. It is kind of nice...special even, to know that I have such a bond with him, even if sometimes I really don't want anyone to know what I am going through, and especially not Eric. It helps when things get really tough or we have a case which really gets to me. It is usually cases where abuse is involved or kids and maybe it is good that we are going in search for Holly together. We are each other's support and in a weird way, I need him right now.

'Calleigh' Eric says.

'Yeah?' I reply, as I push all thoughts away.

'Can you keep the tracker in your hands because we should be getting closer?' Eric tells me.

'OK' I whisper.

He started slowing down trying to spot Wade, his ears ready to hear the beeper on the tracker. He drives further inside and suddenly the tracker starts beeping.

'We're here' he tells me as he pulls the car to a stop.

We get out of the car, take our guns out and start moving ahead when we finally get sight of Lucas next to a boat.

'Mr Wade step away from the boat' Eric calls out as we start running towards him, guns in front of us.

'I wasn't going to harm her' he tells us.

'You are being arrested for the murder of Shelly Seaver' I call out 'Put your hands up in the air and step away from the boat' I say as I watch him raise his hands up and Eric moves to handcuff him as I keep pointing the gun at him.

'Take him away officers' I say, and the officers obey my command.

I watch Wade walk past me and as I turn my head to look at Eric I find him next to the boat picking Holly up and I can't help but smile. He lifts her up in the air and she smiles as her blonde curly hair sway along the breeze as she giggles down to him. I can feel my face glowing as I watch him with Holly and the little girl seems to like him. I watch her cup his face in her tiny hands and Eric chuckles.

'She likes you' I tell him and Eric smiles at me.

'She is cute' he tells me 'Hey Holly, say hello to Calleigh. She's my friend' he tells her.

'Hello' she tells me as she waves at me.

'Hi Holly' I say 'I love your hair' I tell her with a smile and Holly reaches out to me, so Eric steps closer and starts handing me Holly. Our eyes meet as we stand this close with a little girl in our hands. It was strange but at the same time...beautiful. I could feel myself being pulled into this fantasy that somehow felt so real. This fantasy of having a family as I keep staring straight in Eric's brown eyes...

 _I can hear little feet running towards me as I rock the baby in my arms while feeding him in the rocking chair, and I smile knowing that it is Erica running probably with her daddy pretending to be chasing her. I can hear her laughter, her little scream of excitement and then I hear him picking her up as she screams and I smile, picturing the image. He is such a good father to both our kids and I love him so much. He has given me so much...practically all that I ever wanted._

 _'Mummy, mummy' Erica cried with laughter as Eric continues to tickle her as they appear in the doorway of the nursery room._

 _'Eric you're going to get her out of breath' I tell him with a laugh._

 _He kisses her cheek and place her down, and Erica runs towards me 'Careful darling' I tell her as I lean in and kiss the top of her blonde head._

 _'How's my beautiful wife?' he asks me as he steps closer and kisses my forehead._

 _'Great now that you and Eric are back' I reply with an adoring smile._

 _'And how's my little boy?' he asks me._

 _'Waiting to get named' I reply with a laugh._

'Calleigh...Calleigh' he repeats.

'Mmm sorry' I say as I snap out of this beautiful day dream, arranging Holly on my hip.

'Are you alright?' he asks.

'I am' I reply with a disoriented smile 'Shall we go?' I ask and with that we start walking back towards the hummer, all three of us walking, me and Eric next to each other with this little girl in my arms. I look up and at the same time Eric looks down at me and smiles. I wonder if he is thinking the same thing that I am.

To any passer by, we look like a family. Two grown ups with a little girl who happens to be blonde as well, just like me. I wonder how my kids would look like as Eric opens the passenger door and I place Holly on the back seat as I fasten the seat belt for her. I make sure that she is fine and comfortable and as I smile at her, I close the door and hop on the front.

I can feel his eyes on me and even though I want to ignore it I can't. I glance his way and smile and he smiles back and I wonder why he is smiling. I try to ignore that smile as well but I can't. I want to know why he is smiling.

'What? Why are you smiling?' I ask him as I look at him. Really I don't know what to expect, what kind of answer I want to receive and I can feel it deep in my gut, that if he doesn't say what I want him to say, he is going to upset me.

'She suits you' he tells me and I frown confused.

'What does?' I ask.

'The little one. It suits you...you know...the mummy role' Eric tells me with a smile, and I swear I can never get tired of getting that smile back from him.

I can feel myself smiling brighter at him 'I was thinking the exact same thing you know. You would make a great daddy Eric' I tell him.

He turns on the engine, that smile still on his face 'Do you ever think about having kids?' he asks me out of the blues and I almost shook my head with surprise.

'I would love to yes...you?' I ask hopeful.

'I do' he replies 'I often wonder what my kids would look like' he tells me.

'Well I guess that depends on the woman you would be having children from' I tell him.

'Well I hope she would be a blonde with mesmerizing ocean eyes. I would definitely want for my kids to look like her' he tells me as he makes sure to look into my eyes and I can feel my heart skip a beat at that. Is he secretly telling me that he wants to have children with me? That he wants a family with me?

I blink my eyes and smile and turn my head to look ahead breaking the eye connection without saying anything, but I can feel myself satisfied with that reply. Does he really want that? It was what I was picturing just moments ago, and even though it is not real, it felt more real than anything else. It feels normal, natural to be having two kids, having Eric as my husband.

The drive back to the station seemed to have been done in just a matter of minutes as the next thing I know, is we are waving goodbye to little Holly.

'Poor little baby' I say.

'Yeah...I don't understand you know. I don't understand how her mother could do this to her own daughter' Eric tells me.

'Maybe she is better off without her' I say with a shrug before I turn to look at him 'So I guess case closed' I say.

'Good because I still have other pending evidence from other cases to go through' he tells me.

'I think I'm going home. I need to go and do some training. I feel like I need to go for a jog' I tell him. It is true. I feel like I need to burn these thoughts away. They are disturbing and thoughts that I really don't need right now. Eric and I are good friends and I don't want to do anything to mess that up.

'I'll see you tomorrow then' he tells me as he slips his hands in his pockets.

'See you tomorrow' I tell him and as I turn to walk away I hear the sound of the elevator opening and I spot Jake coming out of it. Shit! I totally forgot about him.

'Hey...I was on my way to the hospital to come and check on you' I lie as I walk over towards him.

'Saved you the trip' Jake tells me.

'Let me see' I say as I notice a scratch on his jaw which he points to. So I place my finger on his jaw to check the bruise, when all of a sudden he grabs my face and I feel his lips on mine and the next thing I know, Jake Berkeley is kissing me in the middle of the corridor.

'Do you want to go away?' he asks me as he breaks the kiss while I am still trying to catch my breath.

'OK' I whisper and Jake turns around and heads back to the elevator and I follow and as I turn my head to my right my eyes finds the familiar brown ones and I feel a sudden pain in my chest as I realize that Eric has seen the whole thing. Jake kissed me in front of Eric on purpose. I know that. I know that because I know Jake, and I know that him and Eric don't like each other very much, and I feel so bad for Eric. The pain I can see in his eyes, he looks like he doesn't know what to do, because he knows that I can read his pain, and I want to run to him and say I am sorry but at the same time I can't look into those eyes, so I turn my head to look away and just as I am going to try and look at him again to apologize with my eyes the elevator door closes.

'Calleigh? Are you alright?' Jake asks me.

'Of course' I lie.

Couple of hours later, I am lying in my bed with my diary on my lap and a pen in my hand, and all I can think about is Eric. The pain I saw in his eyes. I swear I never want to hurt him and Jake just took me by surprise. I felt so guilty and that is why I couldn't be intimate with Jake after that. I lied that I was too tired to have sex, and that he was in no condition to have sex either. It was the last thing I wanted to do after that look.

It is strange, but in a way I feel like I am cheating on Eric, and I don't understand why. I want to text him but I don't know what to say. I want to hug him. I want to know how it feels to hug him.

That is another thing that is totally strange between us. In all these years that we have known each other, we always seem to keep at arms length. For some reason we don't hug. I am beginning to feel like it is our bodies which are preventing us from getting that close. We always seem to give each other comfort by simply staying next to each other or with a smile.

This is insane. I have to stop thinking about this...about Eric in this way. I am with Jake and I shouldn't be having these thoughts about Eric.

Eric is my friend and that is it.

A very special friend.

I close my diary and lock it away safely in it's box.

I take a deep breath and nod a confirmation...a promise to myself.


End file.
